Okay, here's the revised version. It's still a long way from being finished, but I feel that it's at least a stronger opening. What are your thoughts?
Alsa had never seen a star. Or the moons. Terrneo had too many layers of smog to allow for such wonders. But as the transport shuttle broke through the planet’s atmosphere and into the inky blackness of space, the glowing bodies surrounded her.
Under normal circumstances she would have been thrilled, but that particular day, or night since the sun was nowhere to be seen, she couldn’t summon up the strength to be excited about anything.
She simply took a deep breath and sighed, letting her breath form a little cloud on the window. Then, using her pinky finger, she traced a stick figure tree into the cloud.
“Why am I here?” she whispered to herself. Of course, she knew the answer. But severing the past was rarely simple, especially when you hadn’t been given a choice.
Friday, April 23, 2010
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2 comments:
I went back and read your first one again, just to compare. And wow, that's quite a difference. they are both good, but when they're right next to each other, I can see that this one is definitely stronger. It's concise and powerful and really sets a mood. I love it. Great work!!
So, do I get to read some more? ;)
Crystal,
LOL This story is nowhere near fit for human consumption. I am on pg 90 of revisions and I've been working on them for over 2 weeks now. However, when I reach a point where I feel it's readable, I may put out a call for beta readers.
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